“Traveling”

"At twilight an angel was standing in the garden. It is true, the wings are very beautiful. Even more spectacular, in a quieter way, is the light that shines out of the angel's body. Not the cold light of the glow worm, but the softer light of a candle, or more exactly the light of a candle as it is seen through a window and, therefore, is not only itself but the light and a kind of veil together, which in fact does not double the mystery but multiplies it. The angel was looking into the trees, but mostly it was just standing there. In a strange and inexplicable way, it seemed as familiar to me as the trees themselves. I was glad it was there, but didn't expect more—I mean I didn't expect the angel to stir from its place anymore that I expected the trees to start walking around. The trees and the angel, they were each just what they were." Mary Oliver, What Do We Know

I saw an angel once. It was not a very spectacular encounter. No flames, or halos or wings. In fact, it took me a while to accept it was an angel. Our meeting happened at church, which shouldn't seem odd; but this angel appeared in the form of a person who didn't seem very stable. I had seen her come in and as she took a seat in one of the back pews I could tell she was not quite right. When the service was over she was out on the front lawn waiting for me. After she began to talk I no longer thought her odd. Her sincerity and intent were genuine and my earlier fears about her stability dissolved. When she finished, I turned and took a few steps away, then turned back and found myself staring at empty air. She was gone. Vanished.

I'm not sure I know what an angel is exactly. Stories abound in every culture about them and their intervention into human lives. Does it matter whether or not we do? I don't think so. I consider them more an extension of grace. On the humorous side, looking back, I was a bit disappointed. If anyone had asked me what I thought an angel encounter would have been like, I think I would have at least conjured up something a bit more Old Testament. What she did say to me that day was meaningful, but only to me. On the few occasions I have shared this story, I could see some of the listeners wondering if there was more than one unstable person present. Believe me, I've wondered about that myself. And while she did not say 'be not afraid' which angels always start with in the Bible stories, her manner and intent certainly made me feel safe.

In these last weeks of my Mother's life, I think she is seeing quite a lot of angels. Her gaze is fixed most often on the ceiling and she watches and watches the goings on there often with a smile on her face. I know there are all sorts of chemical explanations for why that is. My response to science is yes, that's how it happens, but why it happens in this way, does not seem chemically explainable, nor does the fact these experiences are enormously comforting to her. Those who witness it are also comforted, so again, I am interpreting this as an aspect of grace. When we call her name, she reluctantly pulls herself back to be with us. We tease her gently about wanting to see if we can get the 'Celestial Channel'. She smiles. Probably one day, we will. Now though, it is her time and what she is seeing is drawing her closer and closer. Her wonderful sitter calls it 'traveling'. I love that expression. It makes me wonder if this is helping her feel safe enough to let go of what was unfinished here. Maybe she is seeing what her new existence will be like and getting used to the idea. As the days go by and her travels keep her away for longer and longer periods of time, the reasons matter less and less. Looking into her eyes a few days ago, I could see her gently slipping away to watch. All of a sudden I heard myself asking, 'You're leaving aren't you?" and as I took in her peaceful face and watched her eyes drift away, without even thinking I softly said, "goodbye… goodbye."

Grace , remember, is for everyone.

As this great mystery draws close, I have had much time for quiet reflection. I'm beginning to believe that angel encounters will always involve some form of 'goodbye'. They arrive with news that causes you to relinquish the way your life is, which you may think is perfectly fine, and invite you to take up a new version of it, even if you would really rather not, thank you very much. Mom, early on in her ceiling watch was heard to say " just a few minutes." We laughed gently about that because it seemed to us she had been invited to join them and wasn't quite ready to accept the offer, which we could all understand. We are not so sure about how we will be changed by the events they foretell, or saved from or prepared for. Death is the most mysterious change we undertake. Events we are unable to know or control have the most power to frighten. Perhaps when angels do appear, or intervene, they arrive because our hearts need to be reassured and the explaining part of us shushed. Perhaps they are saying yes, life as you knew it is over and yes, a new way of being awaits, but you will be safe. Sometimes that change is sudden and dramatic. Sometimes it may take years for events to come together for a new life to emerge. We may even never fully grasp the reasons why. And then sometimes, as for my mother, we get to see a preview of what awaits on the ceiling. From what I have seen so far, I believe they are still saying, 'be not afraid'.

"When for too long I don't go deep enough into the woods to see them, they begin to enter my dreams. Yes, there they are, in the pinewoods of my inner life. I want to live a life full of modesty and praise. Each hoof of each animal makes the sign of a heart as it touches then lifts away from the ground. Unless you believe that heaven is very near, how will you find it? Their eyes are pools in which one would be content, on any summer afternoon, to swim away through the door of the world. Then, love and its blessing. Then heaven."

Mary Oliver, The Faces of Deer